Friday, May 02, 2008


I went back and forth on posting this. I hate to dwell on the negative, but really it's there mixed in with all the good.

When I went into Emma's room around 11pm I didn't expect to find anything wrong. I just needed to give her the medications that she gets each night and then I'd let her go back to sleep. Often times I give them to her in her crib and she rolls over and is back asleep before I leave the room. Tonight was different. I could hear her breathing when I went in her room and as I looked at her she tossed and turned. That got me for a moment but the deciding factor in picking her up was the smell from her diaper. I took her out to the family room and changed her diaper then cleaned out her nose. It was plugged with dried snot and she's a nose breather so she was having a lot of difficulty breathing. When I started to suction it she wasn't happy and started crying. A few minutes later I gave her her medicines (a total of 4 at the moment) and then some saline drops to help keep her nose clear. Then I picked her up and rocked her, walked her, snuggled her, and she kept crying.

Finally we sat in the rocking chair in the living room and we rocked. She calmed fairly soon after we began rocking. I stared into her eyes and she surprised me by staring right back. Her breathing was still fast- very much like an infant- and I didn't want to put her down. We rocked for an hour. Finally I couldn't hold my own head up and wasn't very comfortable in the wooden rocker so I took the tiny, sweet, almost-sleeping baby girl into the family room to sit in the reclining part of the couch. We snuggled up.

She went back to sleep and actually got into a deeper sleep. I watched her, rubbed her head and back, snuggled her in tight, and all my fears of losing her came right up to the surface. The idea that this is only the beginning or what if we make the wrong choice combined with what will we do if even the 'big dogs' say she's inoperable? and so many other fears. Instead of thinking on those, I too went to sleep. Me and my Emma. I'll always treasure that night, even with the fears that surfaced. She was so calm and beautiful sleeping on my chest with her hand raised up to touch my neck. So peaceful.

A few hours later- I'm really not sure when- Mike came in and brought her back to her bed. At 5am I woke and went to bed myself. Seven thirty was an early morning after a long night, but Miss Emma is awake, happy, breathing fine, and loving life today. It never ceases to amaze me how the light of day can so drastically change a situation. My active little one is rolling around the family room, interacting with her brothers and sister, and just as lovely as she was yesterday.

I suppose the realization of her condition hits at different moments and this time it was on a dark night with rapid breathing and fluttering eyes that were so intent on mine. Then the light of day is a reminder of HOPE. And that yes, everything's gonna be ok.


  1. You are right. The nights/darkness is when the fear hits. But daylight seems to help chase them away. Just wanted you to know we are thinking about you.

    (Friend of Andrea and RR)

  2. Still praying for Emma, you and Mike, and wisdom for all the doctors. Emma is such a beauty and so full of life. God loves her too and He is bigger than all of her health problems.

    Kelly S

  3. We are praying for you and your family. Things do seem so much worse at night. If you get a moment I need the code for the Emma's Hope. I did a remodel of my blog and lost the button. I know several people have commented to me that they are praying for Emma so I want to keep the button on my blog. Thanks.


  4. So glad she is better today!!! We will definitely keep praying for her. She really knows her "mom" and has comfort with you.

    Mom & Dad C

  5. My prayer now is that the big dogs know God and will turn to Him for the answers for Emma. She is a precious child and I thank God that you and Mike have welcomed her into your family where she is loved, cherished, and protected.

  6. Meredith:

    Thank you for sharing your fears with us. I know your fears and believe that the Lord is with you when you feel fearful. We will continue to pray for you, Emma and the family.

    Stay strong.


  7. Confession: I don't pray much, if at all. I guess I'm a heathen, or back-slid or whatever. But your fears and your night with Emma makes me cry, and I'm typing with tears right now, and I pray, yes, I PRAY, that Emma will be healed, either miraculously, surgically, or medically. I'm not sure what it is about her, the intensity in her eyes, maybe. But she SO touches me. Oh Jesus, please please please Let Emma stay here among us, and let her be healed.

  8. After working five years of night shifts, I am convinced that God uses the night shift to get our attention and bring us into his presence. How beautiful to have this moment with her, even with the fears. May God continue to bless you and grant you peace!

  9. Meredith, we are praying for your sweet Emma. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  10. (((((((((((((((((((((((Meredith))))))))))))))))))

    I can picture this loving time for you and Emma and my heart skipped beats as I read about your fears. She is so lucky to have you as her mommy.

  11. Praying for you and Emma...

  12. Meredith, I was just catching up on your posts, and somehow missed this one. Thank you for being so "real" and sharing so honestly from your heart. "Hope" is the word that keeps coming to mind.

    Praying for you. Sometimes the most profound lessons God gives us are the ones we agonize over as they are unfolding. It's amazing the impact Emma has had on so many people. I know she has touched me deeply, and she is drawing people closer to HIM. Bless you and your family!

  13. WOW! This really touched my heart. I know all too well how fears in the night hit a TON OF BRICKS! When you are hit with fear like that in the night pray Psalms 27 - The Lord is my light and my salvation: whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?

    I can honestly tell you that I prayed this many, many times in the night last week and the fear would leave. I know that you don't know me but I am so touched by reading your adoption stories and I do pray for your family every day.
    Many blessings,