Thank you for the words of encouragement both in the comments and by e-mail. I appreciate the reminder that he's a 4 yr old BOY and that boys will be boys...
I want to reassure those that had any concern that my other three little ones are in fact SAFE and that there is no risk to them of Kristopher. He is kind and gentle with them 99% of the time and is not unsupervised with them during play. At night we are now keeping a close watch until he goes to sleep and if need be we'll separate the boys. I'm sorry I didn't say that earlier, it didn't enter my mind that others would take my post as Kristopher being any real risk to the little guys. That's simply not the case.
I appreciate the suggestions. Some that we are already doing and some that we will try. Those that said that we need to leave K be and let him get away with it simply because he's 4, male, and has disabled siblings... I don't agree :) He will continue to be held to a high standard as will ALL of my children and I won't allow him or any of them to get the idea that because it's "age appropriate" it doesn't fall into my definition of 'wrong'. Age appropriate or not, i won't allow my son to be disrespectful, talk back, or blatantly disobey. That said, I do agree that some of this TESTING is based on his age and the development of himself and his peers. And I think that this is exactly that- and he will learn eventually that he's done with it and is ready to shape back up. In the mean time, we're figuring out other things we can do to encourage that to come along quicker :)
Thanks again for the comments, a few things we've begun to do already such as having him spend time with OTHER children his age that are not at school and having him be "our helper" when he'd like to be. He also gets to be the one to come along on extra trips when we go out so he gets one on one time with us and he has special time before bed each evening with just one parent and him. We're working on it... thank you all for the ideas. I'm not sorry that I posted it because it is part of life-- the good stuff and the not so good stuff. I'm glad to be able to share the struggles in addition to the joys because that makes the eventual joys (that come out of the struggles) that much sweeter... :)
Get away with it because he has disabled siblings? Not in this lifetime. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering how kristopher is dealing with the fact that he is the only sibling that doesnt have DS? I know that sounds weird but he's the odd man out and who knows how his little mind works. I remember when I was little I was jealous of the extra attention my diabetic brother got, and DS and Diabetes isnt even comparible. But honestly what you have described just sounds like normal 4 yr old boy stuff. Not saying that being a boy is an excuse for bad behavior but I wouldnt be freaking out and wondering where you went wrong :) I'd definately pick and "policy" and stick with it even if you dont think its working all the time. That will give him consistency and he wont have to guess what discipline action is coming.
ReplyDeleteOk, well some thoughts for me after months of reading your blog. First, I think it could make a difference if you no longer refer to the littler kids as "the babies". While they may be very "baby-like" in their development, they're years out of babyhood. I mean, suppose they never progressed from where they were when you brought them home? At what point would you stop referring to them as "the babies"? I don't agree about the "he has siblings who have disabilities" thing either. Gee, my boys would have gotten away with an awful lot of stuff if I'd allowed them THAT excuse! BUT, he DOES have 3 siblings who require a fair amount of attention, lots of extra running around for doctors appointments etc. The fact that he acts out isn't much of a surprise. BUT, I DO know that when my oldest son was 5, I had very high standards for him. Then when my youngest son turned 5, I couldn't BELIEVE the things I'd expected of my oldest son at the same age. When your OLDEST is..say...4, they seem VERY OLD and mature. But when your YOUNGEST gets there, suddenly you realize your parenting perspective with your oldest was a big skewed because they were your first. It's a very typical parenting thing, and why parents joke about screwing up the first kid so they can do it right with all the kids who follow. Natural consequences teach a kid an awful lot. Like, when you empty your dresser drawers changing clothes (which is VERY developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old by the way!) you have a mess to clean up later. No whining, just clean it up because you made the mess. Also, you have to learn to save your really big consequences for when you have REALLY BIG issues. This is something that I learned the hard way! Emptying an entire bedroom is a REALLY BIG consequence in the eyes of a 4 year old, for behavior that is very age typical, and not "big". It just SEEMS big because all your other kids are little, and not yet to that developmental stage. But, if you choose to do the empty bedroom thing, then to me, just as it's important to have the consequence related to the misbehavior, it's also important to have the rewards related too. Maybe instead of earning dimes he can earn his room back, one box at a time. Then, if he's in the process of earning his room back and messes up again, what he's earned so far goes back into the boxes and he starts all over. I've had to do the "earn your room back" thing with one of my now-adult kids, and it was a good learning lesson. But, that child was MUCH older at the time (he was 12) and the behavior he was engaging in was destructive in nature, not normal little kid stuff. Just my thoughts to mull around along with everyone else's.
ReplyDeleteOOps, forgot something. When I talked about your referring to the little kids as "the babies". I think you need to think about it from K's perspective. Take Emma for example. You refer to her as one of "the babies" and yet she's older than K, isn't she? Kids are very big on AGE. I remember one little boy who was always kind of mean to Angela, and would always call her a baby. She would get mad, "I not baby! I SEVEN!" That little boy could not BELIEVE that Angela was older than him, and was actually quite offended by it. I reminded him, "Yes, she's older than you. And you need to stop treating her like she's a baby." If Angela, at 5 years old, had a classmate that referred to her as a baby, I would be very quick to them! Babies don't go to school. That's reserved for big kids.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are right the fact that his sibs have Ds or any other disability is not an excuse to act out....what will happen when he gets a job...." oh, K didn't want to listen to the boss or come in to work today:...but thats ok he was raised with sibs with disabilities.....LOL not my kids either.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think that the one on one time with him is a great idea...my kids like to just go to the store with out any others with them....something different
I was thinking about the dime thing last night (there wasnt anything good on tv lol) because it had been bothering from the first time i read it but I wasnt really sure why it bothered me. I think figured it out. I don't like money rewards ( or most other object rewards) because to me I think that doing the right thing and being told " Wow, you did it! I knew yo could" and "You should be so proud" is all the reward someone should need for something. Its an internal reward. Someone doesn't give us money or candy everytime we make a bed or do what we are asked to do that is really something we should do anyways. Now earning your toys back after they have been taken away is different. Thats a natural consequence and I think thats ok. But when he empties his drawers I'd just say "Look at the mess you made, now it is your JOB to clean it up" when he cleans it up make a big deal out of how beautful the room looks after he cleaned it. maybe explain how everyone has to do their job to keep the house clean because we are family and if we didnt do our jobs the house would be disgusting and dirty. Same goes with safety, that its your job to keep everyone safe and that its his job to help keep everyone safe because he's part of this familly. Kids love jobs and f he feels the responsibility of doing good at his job and the internal reward he gets from doing it good then maybe, just maybe it will work :) good luck
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the other comments but just wanted to tell you our experience. When our oldest daughter was 2 and a half we adopted our middle kid, a boy, with some serious medical issues. Our son was already a year old and hence wasn't the passive little baby that I expect my daughter thought she was getting for a sibling. The sibling rivalry was very intense at first--to the point I couldn't leave my son anywhere my daughter could reach him. She scratched him (drawing blood), pushed him over, and tried to hit him with a fireplace poker. I had to even take him into the bathroom with me rather than leaving her in the same room with him. Gradually though, as she became more secure, this rivalry abated, and eventually they became the very best of friends. I think you are doing all the right things--telling him what you expect of him, holding him to high standards and letting him be accountable for his actions, and most importantly, encouraging him to verbalize his feelings. Try to reward any good behavior (no matter how small) and pick your battles with the bad behavior (of course not tolerating anything that would endanger any of the other children or any disrepectful behavior). With consistency and his own sense that people are paying attention to him and his feelings, I strongly suspect that he will turn out to be his siblings greatest champion. After all, he has you and your husband as parents. Good luck, this too shall pass.
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