It's 12:01am. That's as good as it gets for a Tuesday post...
Want to hear the honest to goodness truth of my mind right now? It's midnight and I can't check in online for my flight later today for some reason. I have an extra bag (with donation things for CTR) to check and I want to pay for it and have it done with. The baby has a cold and was just up coughing and 'hung out' with me until 11pm... and I wasn't ready to put her back to bed except that she was, of course, exceptionally tired. I don't feel like leaving in the morning for an undesignated amount of time. I'm not looking forward to traveling for 24 hours. Did I mention that Mike's not traveling with me right away? Even LESS looking forward to traveling on my own. Through foreign airports. Where they don't speak English and if they do, they don't care to speak it with me (at least that was our previous experience).
My baby girl spends every minute that she's awake with me. I left her home with Michael on Monday morning to bring the kids to school and everyone asked if I felt like I was missing a limb. ABSOLUTELY. And now I'll have it gone the entire time I'm away. James has just gotten to where every day after school he climbs into my lap and sits and snuggles with me for a good 30 minutes or so. He smiles and plays and enjoys the time just hanging out for a bit. Now I won't get my afternoon James snuggles for a while. Kristopher reads to me every day and keeps me entertained by his innocent questions. He's been asking some GREAT ones lately and we've had so many "big kid" talks. I'm going to miss the car chats with Kristopher. Brianna clings to me almost as tightly as Lynae. She's always tired after school and once she gets over the grumpy attitude, she usually picks up where James leaves off and helps me with house chores (dishes, laundry, sweeping, cooking) once I get up and moving again. I'm going to miss my little shadow. Micah comes over every morning and gives me a big hug as I get him out of bed then stands and waits for me to get everyone else up. He flashes me his million dollar smile and puts his arms up for more. I'm going to miss his morning greetings. Emma greets me with a wrap-around hug every afternoon after school and a huge smile. She signs "I love you" and tells me she's going to listen every morning before school. I'm going to miss my school greetings with Emma.
I know all the good stuff-- and that this is not permanent-- far outweighs the 'losses' for this time. And in a few weeks we'll look back and say "WHEW, it's over!" But right now if I wasn't sure that God was sending me to Ukraine for a genuine purpose of His... I'd be going back to bed and deciding that there's too much here to leave for me to be able to travel.
Why didn't I feel this way before the mission trip?? Because I knew exactly when I was coming home. And now I have an open ended ticket and I've not got a travel companion. Two things that give that security that I would love to have.
Holding tight to Jesus as we go this next step. He never leaves us alone and is our ever present help in time of need. Time to take one more step relying on Him to guide us every step of the way.
Ok, God... here we go...