the stench of all stenches

How you know you've married well and you're in this together...

11:15pm, we finish playing a game because Tuesdays are self proclaimed "date night at home."  Mike goes upstairs and gets ready for bed.  I lay the baby down and then go up as he is coming down.  I feel the assault to my entire face as I walk up the stairs into a stench worse than a skunk.  I ask him if he checked kids up there, quiet whisper yelling down the stairs.   He said he thought maybe it originated with the kid at the bottom.   I change my clothes.  I catch a cricket that made it to our bathroom.  I come downstairs and look all over for him, then hear that the boys' bathroom is running water.  I go back up.  I open their bedroom door and all that is left of my sinuses shrivels and dies right there along with whatever week old roadkill is in that bedroom.  I go to the bathroom by sheer will power and memory because I think my eyes were burning.  It only gets worse. 

There is Michael with a 12 yr old kid getting sprayed down in the shower.  Oh my, the smell was awful.  He asked for paper towels and water.  I left the room very willingly and turned the fan on high in the bedroom.  Two other boys were somehow sound asleep in there.  I made a small sound to make sure they both wiggled a little and nobody had died from asphyxiation from the terrible fumes.  They both alerted.  I prayed they would sleep through this and tomorrow believe it was all just a bad dream. 

I left the room and went down stairs, trying to clear my nostrils of the lingering odor.  I grabbed a cup.  Someone had done that cruel and terrible thing where they stack 2 smaller cups inside a bigger cup in the cupboard, so little cups fell from the cabinet and bounced onto the barstool sitting below, then one fell to the ground.  Stealthy, Meredith, stealthy.  Remember you just put the baby down? The one who sleeps only 20 minutes at a time right now without touching you?  Oh, and I still had a cricket in my hand.   I met him out the front door. 

I grabbed paper towels and returned to the crime scene.  I then heard a noise.  I'm not sure now whether I actually heard it or whether it was some 6th sense thing because I'm pretty sure even my ears were occluded from the stench of a million dirty diapers.  I walked to the girls room and stood in their doorway a moment.  I heard it again.  "Emma, stop it," I said, as I talked to the black privacy tent she occupies.  She heard me and started babbling.  "NO, stop. Go to sleep," I said.  Then I took two steps into the bedroom.  After I was in the center of the room I heard a gasp and startled shriek and a child emerged over the trail of a nearby top bunk, sitting straight up and looking like she had just seen a ghost, saying "YOU SCARED ME!!" in a whisper scream.  I'm guessing she heard me but was unsure what she actually heard, but enough to open her eyes.  Then it felt to her like I was suddenly a stranger in the room.  I stayed with her a minute, calmed her and let her tell me about how Emma had opened her tent up a bit ago and had her head out looking around when this child went to the restroom.  She asked how Emma can get out of her bed now.  I explained that there are zippers in the inside, the same ones she uses to close it when she goes to bed, and she uses to open it in the mornings to leave.  The same zippers work at night too.  "Oh," and she laid back down. 

I bravely walked down the hallway to the bedroom where IT happened and pulled pajamas from the cubbies of the child who shall not be named in the hallway as I passed by.  I found Michael with his cell phone flashlight wiping the netting that surrounds the special needs bed.  Then I watched as he climbed out and went to the side of the bed and started wiping down the plastic on the pillow that we keep against the side of the bed to keep him from banging on the wall.  The amount of spray coverage that was achieved might hold a record.  I turned back to the child and opened the shirt up since he was having great difficulty finding the leg holes with his toes in the SHIRT I had handed him.  

He dressed with some efficiency as the 2 yr old began talking.  That kid has words.  100,000 words a day he needs to spend.  Not unlike his momma, who is writing this long post at 12:02am, I suppose.  Wrapped up in a blanket, somehow he didn't mind the stench in the room, but I guess maybe that's all part of the y chromosome.  

Bed wiped, child re-introduced to a clean space to sleep, and fan turned down to low, we exited the room of monstrous stenches from explosive diapers, me grabbing the bathroom trash as I went and Michael hitting go on the washing machine in the hallway. .  

Tonight Mike didn't call me to wash the head to toe pooped kid, not ask me to climb in the tented bed and wash the mattress.  He took it and did it and somehow soldiered through the aroma, asking only for the tools to clean with.

I dont need to dream up perfection somewhere.  There's really nothing more perfect than one who (**LOVINGLY**) willingly takes on hazardous waste at 11:15pm.  

And yes,  the trash made it all the way outside.  I'm sure somebody was wondering... ;) 

*note: the child pictured did not cause the fallout of November 2020.  It was his brother.

q&a 2020

Are you ready for this??

Remember in early October when I said "ask me anything, and I'll do a Q&A post"?  Yeah, I didn't forget, but, I also didn't get around to it.  I had this idea I'd do a video reply.  Well, that hasn't happened.  Now I have a broken finger and typing is a little... difficult (I closed it in my car door a week ago, go figure). I’m at the point I’ve basically figured out 9 finger typing, so, are you ready for a LONG POST??  Here goes… :) 

----------

from Amy: How do you do all that needs to be done? (and Rachel asked similar, but more specifically said "without losing yourself")

 

Well, "everything that needs to be done" means different things to different people!  I would venture to say that some people would walk into our home and see many, many things that need to be done.  Others would come up with ideas of things that need to be done that aren't visible.  Our version of what needs to be done starts with keeping everyone healthy and basic needs met.  Then it moves to emotional and physical needs and relationships, which is truly just as important but also not as easy to spot.  The house gets us on some level.  Keeping it tidy and clean is an effort we can all work towards.  Obviously there are other aspects, spiritual and other needs... We take it all in and day by day, week by week, we decide what needs us sooner and what needs us later.  I'm not sure this really answers the question, or whether Amy or Rachel were looking for specifics, but the long and short of it is, "we don't."  We do what we need to do, but we don't necessarily get everything that needs to be done, done.  Laundry or dishes sometimes wait.  The time between when the floor has been mopped or the fans dusted is likely longer than some might suggest it needs it at times.  Sometimes we order pizza instead of cooking on a busy day.  Sometimes we make choices that make things easier for us.  Not losing myself, hmm.  Well, this is who I am.  This is who God made me to be.  It is who I enjoy being.  I like a break and I need it sometimes, but this life doesn't make me lose myself.  It is me!

----------

from Deena: Are more than the two youngest your biological children?

 

Yes!  We have 7 biological kids, 7 adopted kids.  We had 2 biological before began adopting, including one bio daughter with Down syndrome. We then adopted 2 kids (they became our oldest and youngest), then had a bio, then adopted our 6th that ended up being right in the middle.  Then adopted 2 more that same year that now were our new oldest and then right in the middle again.  We had another bio baby, adopted another in the middle again, had another bio, adopted one that became the youngest, then had the two bio babies you referenced! 

----------

from Vee: How is Wesley doing? What grade is he in?

 

Wesley is generally doing well!  He struggles with uncontrolled epilepsy and his seizures haven't improved despite multiple medications.  We are looking at the next set of options for him now, to see if we can help him get a reprieve.  Wesley is 15 and in 10th grade, though since we homeschool, grades hold very little value around here :)

----------

from Lyndi: is Kristopher towering over Michael in height now?

 

Not quite, though our family pictures make it seem so.  They're pretty close to the same height right now, but I doubt that will last for long!

----------

from Rachel: Do you have any tricks to share?

 

Hmm... not really sure what kinds of tricks you're looking for.  Let's see... Pray often.  Forgive easily.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Give mercy.  Trust God.  I guess that's all I got. :)  I'm sure that's not what you were looking for, but those are better than any other advise or tricks I can think of right now!

----------

from Cynthia: I think you should write a book!

 

I would love to! In my spare time, of course :)  I love to share the journey God has put us on, and maybe one day when I'm not nursing babies I'll find a few spare minutes! LOL

----------

from Nancy: How do you stay strong and rested?

 

I guess I'd say strong and rested are not really things I'd use to describe myself.  Strong in the spirit- from regular Bible study and prayer and time with God.  THAT I find a priority for.  Strong physically, I'm not always there.  Rested is not something I'd say is true about 99% of the time. It likely isn't true for any parent of medically complex kids, or for parents of infants or toddlers.  Or teens.  LOL :)   I do take some good vitamins, iron (I'm often anemic), and often high doses of vitamin c when we have sickness go through the house. 

----------

from Susan: How do you afford to feed so many people? (related, from Alla: Do you cook food in advance?  Freeze?)

 

Well, we have slowly gone from 1 kid to 14 kids, and we've adjusted our lives accordingly as it happens.  We don't spend money on a lot of things others consider important, we don't’ have debt, and we prioritize spending with food being pretty high up the list :) .  I meal plan much of the time, so I know what I need to buy and shop from a list, without buying a lot of extras.  I shop during sales, buy in bulk, and look around to get the best deals I can on food.  We use Sam's Club (which our shopping pays for our membership and more), Amazon Subscribe and Save, WalMart pickup, and occasionally other places like Boxed that deliver and have bulk things.  I use credit cards to earn points, and redeem points like cash, but pay off the credit cards as we use them so there isn’t ever an additional charge for using it.  I cook meats in bulk often times, and freeze it once cooked, so it can be quickly defrosted and made into a quick and easy meal.  This reduces our need for quick and easy meals purchased from restaurants or fast food.  We have a pressure cooker that we LOVE!  Right now the USDA is providing breakfast and lunches to children and we have gotten those once a week for our kids who eat.  That has helped the budget during this unusual time, too :).

----------

from Alla: How many hours do you sleep? When you are tired, are there things that help you rest and relax?

 

I go to bed between 11 and 12 most nights (occasionally later).  I get up about 4-6x during the night and wake around 7 most days, but I often don't go out of our bedroom until 8 or even a little after.  I wake and feed the baby and will sometimes fall back asleep with her for a few sometimes.  Michael goes to bed at the same time and sometimes gets up with kids as well. He gets up between 7 and 7:30 and gets his shower then helps our kids who need help in the morning to get their day started upstairs.  So technically, I could get 8 hours of sleep.  Very interrupted sleep...  :)  To rest or relax, I enjoy reading, or occasionally zoning out with the TV.  I find more than that, I enjoy finding a friend to talk to on the phone lets me process or just escape from whatever's in my here and now, and I find that relaxing, too.  Of course a good Bible study or prayer time are helpful, but if I do those while tired, I'll be sleeping instead :) 

----------

from Cynthia: How did you manage to adopt multiple Ukrainian children without going into debt?

 

Well, we felt specifically called and equipped to jump in with both feet, and before our first adoption we had a significant savings.  We went all in.  We spent our savings, and we took a small loan from someone close to us.  We saved every penny and did some fundraising as well.  Within 3 months of coming home, we paid back the loan.  Adoption #2 was foster care, so there were very few expenses.  Adoptions #3-4 were again from Ukraine.  Someone had donated a significant grant towards one of our kids, which is truly the only reason we felt we could actually say yes to the adoption.  Finances are a huge part of international adoption.  We again fundraised some, and again took a small loan.  We then ended up with 2 kids instead of 1 when Aleksa was suddenly actually available, and we found that when God moves in the big ways that He did, others around us moved just as quickly.  We paid for both simultaneous separate adoptions and repaid the loan once again within 3 months.  God provided.  We didn't feel He was calling us to go into debt to adopt, and He provided our every need.  We made huge sacrifices, but nothing as big as not having a family!

----------

from Mary: Can you share a bit about how you do chores? Thanks!

Each of our kids have daily chores that can take on daily chores! Anyone who is able takes care of putting their own clothes away and helps with laundry.  Three kids unload the dishwasher together. Two different kids help with round 1 and round 2 of dishes.  Our 16 yr old has extra chores that he helps with that he gets paid (monthly, a small amount) to do, because we have deemed them “above and beyond normal family stuff.”  He manages the 2 boys’ feeding pumps.  Fills the bags in the morning, starts and stops each one 3x during the day, and flushes the tubes after.  Things kids help with: the kitchen trash and recycling, feed the dog (and occasionally the guinea pigs), sweep the floor under the tables, clear and wipe down the table after meals, turn over laundry as needed and start the dryer, start the washer, make all the kids drinks for lunch and dinner (which is a huge help as I prepare meals!), take out small bits of trash (diaper sacks) during the day for us, set the table for meals with silverware, and serve food plates or bring serving dishes to the tables.  Everyone helps with care of the chickens, too.  One checks for eggs, one refills waters, one scoops food, and one keeps the floor from getting too soiled (yeah, she poop scoops!).  Right now, Kris or Mike puts up and takes down night coverings to protect the birds from the cold wind, too.  One of my kiddos with Down syndrome that has more significant delays puts new bags into every trash can as they’re emptied. Other things we may have the kids help with are breaking down cardboard boxes, stacking or moving around formula boxes (which even our most delayed can help with!) and other every-so-often chores.  Everyone cleans up after themselves and helps each other as needed, as well.  We very much have a “many hands make light the work” attitude with things, and our kids are really very willing to step in and help.  They also do well knowing what their responsibilities are and with that consistency, we know those things are being done. Things our kids do NOT do: change diapers, help each other in the restroom or with personal care of any kind, cook (with a few exceptions, and they will HELP us cook, but they do not prep meals beyond making sandwiches occasionally), give medications, provide any medical care (unless something minor is needed while a big kid is listening for siblings and we are temporarily unable, like suctioning or deflating the trach cuff while I’m in the shower, for instance), discipline their siblings, babysit beyond VERY occasional instances and maybe something like a shower, too. 

----------

from Alla: Do you have someone that helps you with the children everyday?  If you need to see a doctor with 1 or more, how do you do it with the rest of your children?

Well, this answer has recently changed :) .  No, we do not have anyone that helps us with our kids.  In the past, Michael worked during the day and I was home.  I took care of our (then 13) kids on my own.  If I needed to go to a doctor’s appointment, I would hire a friend who has medical experience and experience with adoption, and she would either come to my house (with her son that is Lynae’s age) or meet me at the appointment and stay in the car with my kids during the appointment, depending on where I was going and how long it would be, as well as what her schedule was.  Sometimes, Michael would take off work and do the same, either watch the kids in the car, or come home and keep them, if our friend wasn’t available.  On occasion, my mom would come watch some of the kids, and others would either go with me, or sometimes even go to work with Michael.  Now, however, Michael is home and one of us simply takes the kid/s with appointments.  The baby comes along if I take them.  The other of us stays home with everyone else.  We aren’t really sure what this will look like in the future, but in a general sense, we have no intention to have in-home help with our kids besides Michael or I, our friend, or my mom.  

----------

from Cynthia: How do you homeschool children with multiple special needs?  How do you handle organization in a household of 16?

Homeschooling looks different for our kids working on grade level than our kids with special needs.  In general our kids with special needs who are not on academic tracks are working on skills and knowledge bases.  We use videos, tablet activities, learning games, life experiences, “workbox” type activities, and worksheets to expose them to continued academics, work on daily skills, and work towards the goals that we’ve set for each one.  Some goals are as simple as being able to entertain and enjoy oneself.  Other goals are built to help them independently function or be as independent in an area of skill as they can be.  Learning is a 24/7 activity and not something they do between strict hours.  Those who can do academic learning but aren’t on grade level have worksheet packets and school assignments just like our kids on grade level, and both our kindergartener and kids who are working on similar levels sit with me to work a few days a week on those activities.  I use typical books (this year we focused on abeka and 180 days curriculum) and I adapt it and mark through what we’re not working on.  

Organizing the household, well, you asked for it! LOL!  For school everyone has a binder with 36 weeks of clear sheet protectors in it.  Worksheets are distributed into those and every Monday I go over the packet with each kid, then they come to me with any additional help they need, as they need it.  They keep it in a folder and work from that folder throughout the week.  They also have an agenda which I print out monthly, which has their book assignments and anything not in the binder written out for them.  These are all written out before we start school (or soon thereafter!) for the year.  We keep all the binders together, and the folders with them. Agendas I organize on Homeschool Planet online planner and print monthly or as needed when they lose them :) .  

We have ‘cubby’ systems throughout the house, and they’re our most significant organizational structural system.  We have them down our entry hallway for everything from games and toys and art supplies, to books and coloring and crafts, batteries, accessibility switches, glasses equipment, hair brushes and hairties, and we even have two of our kids’ dressers right in there with all of that (but you’d never know!) because they needed a place to be.  We use them for kids’ clothes upstairs; one area has 4 boys’ clothes, another area has 6 girls’ clothing.  We have them in the downstairs medical bedroom with medical supplies that we need to access regularly.  In the garage (which is an enclosed room… where our tables are, actually), there is a cubby for each kid’s shoes with their initial on it, and cubbies for hats, gloves, scarves, and another set with electronic gadgets like wii remotes and games. In our bedroom they hold ipads and chromebooks and laptops and one cubby has a bin where all the chargers go, another has mice and headphones.  That’s probably our single most used organizational device!  

As said above, about cubbies, we have family closet areas for most kids, with a few exceptions.  We also gave up on conventional ideas and decided to do what works!  That means the bookcase in the medical room also holds 2 pressure cookers, a blender, and silicone popcorn bowls for the microwave, because we use those things regularly and that keeps them close to the kitchen.  We have one Tervis cup for each child and they use it all day.  We have an amazing changing table my dad built for us with drawers that organize diapers and creams and wipes, but also paperwork and coloring books that are bigger than cubbies, etc.  We use space for what works, not necessarily for what its intended function might be!  

We have a whole wall of hooks for jackets in our garage room, a walk in pantry that was intended as a garage utility closet, and heavy coats are in a mobile wardrobe in the basement.  Medication has its own whole organizational system, but it is all stored locked up in a cabinet.  

We don’t have couches (we used to and they didn’t get used much!) and instead find our kids spend most of their time either working at a desk/table or on the floor playing.  We have a waterproof mattress on the floor in our family room for kids to flop down on and to do diapers/tube feeds for Nya on, and a very padded rug to play on as well.  Otherwise, the kids all use plastic or wooden chairs, because they can move them around to whatever they want to do.  We have several folding tables that pop up for a project or computer time or art or to sit by me and do school throughout the week.  We changed a few years ago to this portable and movable furniture and found it gives us a ton more flexibility!  We have a few upholstered chairs around as well, and our tables/chairs for dining are always up (and used by several for school). 

We have a toy box, cardboard books shelf, and then we have bookshelves that hold chapter books and bins with toys that are ‘sets’ of things.  The kids sort toys by bin to put them away (we are still working on this for some) and we rotate which toys are in use and put some away in the basement. 

This is such a broad question, I hope this was the type of thing you were looking for! :) 

----------

Ok, I know it took me about 6 weeks to get these answers done, but if you have other questions or follow up q’s, feel free to ask!  We are a pretty open book, and I find I learn a lot from others when they post things like this, too! 

If you actually read to the end, you deserve a medal or something, but just to show you made it, post me your favorite emoji in the comments!  Here’s mine!  It feels very "2020" to me!  😬

5 steps to befriending a special needs parent

5 steps to befriending a special needs parent:

1. Consider how you’re friends with people who don’t have children with special needs.

2. Do that.

3. Realize that a lack of availability isn’t a direct correlation to a lack of desire, and keep trying when things don’t happen quickly.

4. Keep doing that.  

5. Maybe send caffeine and chocolate ;)

restarting after covid 19 for your special needs participants

As activities resume, here is what your special needs friends and participants with medical conditions might benefit the most from: 

1: It is always ideal if accommodations can be made for them to join, however with the current health risks that may not be possible.  

2: Acknowledge that it is ok if they cannot join you yet.   This itself says you see them and they're not forgotten!

3: Recognize to them that they will be missed by not being there in person and that you understand why they cannot come.  

4: If there is any way to livestream, call in, or otherwise involve those who can't be there, make a specific invitation to include them. 

5: Take a moment to recognize just how hard this is for them.  If you are a person of faith, pray for them and their family.  As much as you've missed being in public activities during the quarantine, many people with special needs or medical conditions have been in their homes almost constantly since the beginning of the flu season (November 2019!), and many are being told by their physicians not to go out other than necessary until next spring (March 2021!).

6:Check back in.  Mark a calendar and don't let months go by without contacting them again to walk back through these things.  Maybe the situation will have changed and accommodations can be made.  Maybe just checking in will be what they needed to brighten their outlook on their own situation just a little bit.

These steps are simple things that, despite still not being able to attend, help us to know we are not forgotten.  Sadness is one thing.  Anger, bitterness, and depression are easily grown from isolation and loneliness, but can be helped by intentional effort by those who care about them.

---------------------

I've tried to put words to how we are processing things right now, but none of them work out to actually portray what I want it to.  In short, while we are glad that covid-19 is posing less of a threat to the general population, the outlook for our family is still not as good because of the medical conditions within our home. 

We (our children especially) are watching things resume and there is a sadness in knowing that after many months of being home things are beginning to happen with the people and groups we want to engage with, but we cannot be a part of it still.  There's kindof an expectation around us that everyone will be excited to re-engage.  There is a sadness in not being able to return and a bit of feeling left out for those whose activities have left no options for them to engage other than in-person. 

I know very well it is not only us, so I hope the above considerations can help those in leadership of different organizations that are starting back up to retain their special needs families and participants with medical conditions, as well as to help the families and other participants to maintain their connections.

Relaunch

Time for a little relaunch.  Are you ready for some stories? 

a video of the crew! (2017)

One Morning with the Cornishes  https://quik.gopro.com/v/DWvtbV6yBJ/

The day nothing changed

Today is a day that nothing changed.  Sure, there were subtleties to the day that made it different from the one before, and the nuances of life’s movement were there.  But today, nothing changed.
I have to remind myself of that, because today, something inside of my mind changed.  

Today, a doctor wrote on her note pad “She has a diagnosis of cerebral palsy.”

It’s a simple little sentence.  Six words.  They didn’t change my life nor the life of my daughter, but in my mind, something shifted.

My daughter was born early and as a result of that and some other medical complexities, she had a brain bleed at birth.  When my husband and I were first introduced to her at 4.5 months old as we considered pursuing her adoption, this was explained to us. “She will one day be diagnosed with CP” the notes said.  She had post-hemmorragic hydrocephalus, and had really rough first months of life.  Even now as I write this she’s in the nursery hooked up to a ventilator and oxygen concentrator that helps her breathe through her tracheostomy tube, inserted right into her throat.  She’s eating through a feeding tube.  

She’s had a long road to get to our home, and still has many struggles in life to overcome.  Even though we KNEW that this day was coming and we would hear a neurologist say the words “cerebral palsy” to us, it still shook me a little.

“She seems so happy.”  “Are you SURE?”  “Doctors can be wrong sometimes.”  “Just wait and see what God does, he’s going to heal her brain!”  “But she looks so… normal.”

I’ve heard all of those statements in the last 4.5 months since we said “yes” and moved mountains to join our baby girl in a hospital several hours from our home.  Most were said in a loving tone, a hopeful tone, a tone that wanted us to agree with them and believe that they were right.

The thing is, nothing changed today.  She’s still “so happy.”  She’s still able to be healed.  She still looks “so… normal.”  And yet, we have a diagnosis that says there’s brain damage to an extent that it has caused neurological deficit in motor areas of the brain, and she will need assistance to meet whatever milestones she may meet in the future.

This isn’t a ‘sentence’ with the diagnosis. God is still good, even when things are hard, and His will is still what we seek.  It reminds me of Jesus’ response about a blind man when he said “He was born blind so that the works of God could be seen in his life.”  I cling to that story as if Jesus was speaking directly to us some days.  Six of our children have Down syndrome.  Now two have a primary diagnosis of cerebral palsy.

I had a little conversation with Jesus today. He did the talking to me, because I could only listen. It's as if he was saying…

“Him, and her, and him, and him, and her, and her, and her, and him… I see them all.  I know their struggles.  Some of their struggles are because of the environment that man put them in to.  But my Father will make all things work together for the good of the Kingdom.  God is going to be seen THROUGH that thing which the world sees as a deficit.  Some of them, the very making of their chromosomes has been crafted to be different, so that a different part of God could be seen.  Each and every person has strengths and weaknesses, areas that the Father has given more or less to each so that they can be a part of the Body of Christ.  No matter what strengths and weaknesses are more evident to others, my Father has given each person a gift that they will use to Glorify Him.  Their praises are heard, whether in eloquent and flawless music or in grunts and utterances of joy.  Every person has purpose, has meaning.  Every person is here to fulfill a role in The Church.  Don’t discount anyone based on what you can physically see.  My Father created them WHOLE.  Each was created so that the works of God could be seen in their lives.”  

I’m reminded that God’s plan is intact.  Our daughter didn’t change today.  Today, our daughter received a diagnosis, but through the eyes of God, today was a day that nothing changed.

Short term missions and orphanages- there's a problem here

Part of the biggest struggles we have with two of our children comes as a result of institutionalization and well-meaning strangers.  These strangers were mostly there as “missionaries.”  They were there on short term mission projects, set on “investing” in a day or week of the life of an orphan.  Set on seeing children’s faces light up with joy at the candies they bring.  Snuggling children in a way that parents and close family do.  Strangers coming into these children’s lives for just a short time, hugging them close against their bodies and  encouraging the children to give indiscriminate affection over the course of a few days only to disappear one day and never look back.  

Your pictures and your memories aren’t what the mission trip is supposed to be about.

Please, if you’re considering mission trips either as a leader, a student, or someone with influence on how these short term trips are done, PLEASE consider the long term effects of indiscriminate affection and what it does to children who have been repeatedly hurt, abandoned, and whose brains are forming in a way that they will not form bonds with familiar people.  Please don’t hug and kiss on children you don’t know, and whose future you don’t have in mind.  Please don’t dismiss the ‘rules’ of their environment and allow chaos to break out in the ‘name’ of a week of spiritual breakthroughs for yourself.

If you need to feel good about helping orphans, consider that their buildings need to be painted, their playground updated, their toys refreshed or replaced.  You can bring music and dance the day away or bring Bible lessons to teach, but where YOU need to hug and kiss on them and hold them and show them affection because YOU believe that YOU are the only one that is bringing the name of Jesus to them and in order for YOU to do this, YOU must show them affection, THEY are not going to benefit from it.  No, they’re actually being destroyed.  

Teaching an institutionalized child in an orphanage that strangers are the ones who give affection, even in the “name of Jesus” is debilitating for them while they grow up.  They learn that those they opened up to left, just like every other important person in their lives that landed them in an orphanage to start with.  They may even associate your desertion with the desertion of the Jesus and God you wanted to teach them about.

Instead of fulfilling your need to love on orphans by being physical with them, show them love by appropriate interaction of a friend or even stranger.  High 5’s, side hugs, sitting face out on your lap, reading them stories, singing songs and dancing holding hands.

When you show appropriate social boundaries to children in an orphanage, you might be saving them from heartbreak and you may be making their ‘connections’ between intimacy and social boundaries grow in a way that will make their actual BRAIN CONNECTIONS form in a healthy way.  Where they don’t feel your leaving as a loss, but as a stranger that came through their lives as they really should.  A stranger that told them about a Father God and his Son named Jesus.  That’s what we want them to remember…
The fine print...*This is not talking about long term missions or local missionaries, and another way to help orphans without causing some of these issues is to support those who live by the orphanages and are bringing the Gospel into the orphanages on a regular basis and have relationships with the children! **The result of brain connections being made in a way that doesn't allow a person to form strong bonds with familiar people are two conditions which used to both together be called Reactive Attachment Disorder. Now they've split the condition into two types and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder is what we see with our institutionalized children. You can read more about them in very easy-to-understand language here: https://church4everychild.org/2013/06/18/disinhibited-social-engagement-disorder/

Continue Following our Family

Whether or not you have a FaceBook account, you can follow our family's story as we continue learning and growing together at:

www.Facebook.com/TheCornishFamily

Our (Current) Outlook on Dealing with Behavior

I’m often asked how we deal with behavior.  Let me start with-- we do not have “well behaved angels” with Down syndrome.  No, we have REAL people, REAL CHILDREN, REAL issues, REAL past hurts, and REAL trauma that we deal with around here.  That means REAL behavior issues.  For REAL!  So, when someone stops and tells me “your children are so well behaved!” I just might be jumping up and down inside.  Because we are SURVIVING!  It means that at that moment, no one is actively going nuts on me :D.  It’s a ‘win’!

Also, let me start off by saying that we are PARENTS.  We aren’t professionals.  Michael’s Master’s degree is in Organizational Leadership, not behavior management, and my Bachelor’s degree is in Education, not psychiatry (though I did minor in psychology! ;) ).  We don’t claim to have all the answers, don’t claim to do everything right.  We struggle through and are learning all the time!  We find something that works for one kid, for one month, then find out they’re no longer responding to it, meanwhile we have another kid it never worked for that something different did!  It’s a constant cycle of learning.  That’s why this list is far from exhaustive.  We are learning and trying new things ALL THE TIME.

We believe strongly that behavior is 2 things: Indicative of communication, and needing to be directly molded to be as appropriate as possible.

How we accomplish that is also a two-fold approach.  One is dealing with the behavior at hand, and the other is dealing with whatever it is communicating-- which can both work us through the behavioral challenge and help us to avoid it in the future.

None of this is anything spectacular or new, but it is sometimes just a reminder of what we already know that prompts us to be able to more effectively deal with behavioral challenges.  We don’t pretend to have all of the answers, and we are regularly met with behavioral challenges in all areas of life, so we are a definite work in progress!  I wrote this simply to share where we are at right now and to put it into one place.  

Remember, the ADULT behavior is also communication, and the adult’s response to the child is going to play a role in whether they want to repeat the non-compliant behavior in the future.

When met with a behavioral issue with a child, there are some initial things to keep in mind:

1. CONSISTENCY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!
   

Our Annual update... 2016

It has been a whirlwind of a year and an awesome one at that!

2015 in review.  In 2015 we...

March: Sold our home in Florida.
March: Learned we would be having a new baby (biological) in November
April: Bought a house in Monroe, GA
May: Finalized the adoption of Paul Matthew Cornish (age 8, with Down syndrome- adopted through private US adoption after he was living with us for 18 months, originally from Bulgaria)
June: Adjusted to life in our new home and started our 2015-2016 school year.
July: Spent a week in Florida visiting family
August: Began AWANA with our entire family (except Kris since he's now in middle school youth group)
September: Started in on annual doctor's visits galore!
October: Made final preparations for our new arrival and finished up doctor's visits for the other kids
November: On the 3rd we welcomed our newest daughter, Harper Naomi via repeat c-section and spent the month resting and recovering while visiting with lots of family
December: More company, and Christmas!  Our first Christmas as a family of 13!
January: Sickness struck and we spent 2 weeks down and out.

A little about our children right now...

Aleksa: 13 years old.
Favorite things to do: play with baby dolls and swing.
Personality: She’s a watcher and takes in everything going on around her all the time. She is always working on figuring out social situations which can be positive or difficult depending on her frame of mind at that time.

Medical update: Behavior is still her biggest struggle.

Emma: 12 years old (13 in 2 weeks!)
Favorite things to do: Play with stacking type activities and flap flat objects.
Personality: Emma is a strong willed little one who always is calculating things within her perceived circle of interaction. She likes to rub the little boys' shaved heads.
Medical update: She was able to go to 'inserts' which wrap all the way around the top of the foot in her shoes instead of ones that 'velcro on' and she is walking great still with less support!

Kristopher: 11 years old (12 in 3 weeks!)
Favorite things to do: Play computer games, Lego’s, and explore.
Personality: Kris is loving and giving, he’s a go-getter and very driven when he has something he wants to see accomplished. Kris is a leader and will step in to help with situations when he sees a need.

Wesley: 11 years old
Favorite things to do: Snuggle with Odina (his service dog), roll and navigate his surroundings, hold his baby sister
Personality: Wes is happy and easy going with a great sense of humor and a stubborn streak thrown in.
Medical update: Wesley had 3 grand mal seizures in 2015 and was diagnosed with Epilepsy in January.  This is unfortunately a common 'coexisting' diagnosis for people with cerebral palsy.

Brianna: 10 years old
Favorite things to do: Play on the ipad or computer, navigate the roku, and run around outside.
Personality: Brianna is a go-getter but is definitely driven by technology. She can be extremely outgoing or extremely shy in different situations.
Medical update: All is well!

James: 9 years old
Favorite things to do: Listen to music, RUN, and sing
Personality: James is a busy busy kid who loves physical interaction and is easily overwhelmed or overstimulated.
Medical update: James was diagnosed with moderate hearing loss and will receive his first hearing aides tomorrow!

Micah: 9 years old
Favorite things to do: Flip through books, play ball or cars, swing, and pet the dog
Personality: Micah is a charmer and is quiet and sneaky as well. He’s always wearing a smile whether he’s being sweet or a stinker.
Medical update: We continue to struggle with hearing and speaking and figuring out any diagnosis for that or any reason for it.

Paul: 8 years old
Favorite things to do: Pet the dog, swing, and play ball
Personality: Paul is a watcher, but he’s also a snuggler. He’ll join in when he knows he’s going to be accepted into play.
Medical update: Clean bill of health!

Lynae: 6 years old
Favorite things to do: Color, play Minecraft, play with dolls
Personality: Lynae has a leader personality, and loves to play with others. She likes to diffuse conflict and will often put others first.

Delaina: 3 years old
Favorite things to do: color, play with dolls, play on the ipad, play with Harper
Personality: Delaina is a fun loving kid who wants to be big all the time. She is selfless in so many ways, always going out of her way to take care of the needs or desires of others, often without them needing to express that desire.

Harper: 3 months old
Favorite things to do: nurse, snuggle, and play on her ‘baby gym’ mat
Personality: Harper is pretty easy going at the moment, loves to be held, talked to, and see her surroundings.

Left to Right: Aleksa, Lynae, Emma, James, Micah, Brianna, Kristopher, Delaina, Paul, and Wesley

Homeschool Fire Truck Education day at our home in October 2015

Harper Naomi, born Nov 3, 2015 (~8 weeks in photo)

In front of our new home in April 2015

Kids from Left to Right: Wesley, Odina (Wesley's service dog), Brianna, Aleksa, Lynae, James, Delaina, Paul, Micah, Emma, Kristopher

For more updates, you  can follow our public page at Facebook.com/theCornishFamily whether or not you have a FB account. 

Where we've been

I tend to find time and then... just not... as it comes to blogging.  In the most recent past there's been much more "not" than there has been "time."

We moved, we settled in, we're doing school, we've had 30 doctor's appointments and 42 therapies in the last 6 weeks, we've attended Sundays and Wednesdays at our new church, we've bought jackets and pulled out long pants, bought boots for church, and figured out how to get everyone to the car in 40 degree weather.  I'm sure our northern friends are laughing at the talk of 'cold' weather in the south, but in Florida we'd see 40 degrees in January-February for a day or three at a time, and that was that.  "Down" here in north GA we're sitting in the 40's for a few days this week and I think we'll be seeing more 40's than not in the coming months.  It's a total lifestyle change for us, to have to deal with JACKETS!

Anyway, we've been living life fully, and by that I mean from 6am to 11pm ;)  And everyone has been relatively healthy with just colds going through here and there.  We are BLESSED and thankful to have our family together again!  We've just now made it to the point where we've been back together longer than we were separated over the summer, and I think we just got over the point of trying to get our bearings straight and re group on the whole "parenting togehter" thing. :)

Michael is enjoying his job, I'm enjoying mine, and the kids are somewhat enjoying theirs :D  Of course theirs involve learning and school and obeying, and new routines and new doctors... so maybe "enjoying" is a little stretch some of the time... but everyone is generally happy anyway ;)

That's all for now... If you'd like to see our family in action, whether or not you have a FaceBook account, you should be able to view our public page at www.facebook.com/thecornishfamily  

What's in those Work Boxes? 8 types of activities to fill the drawers and the day.

I blogged our 5 things that keep me sane recently and had a lot of people raise the question-- what's in the work boxes, and what do you use to teach the kids during the day?  Here's post #1 with a really basic overview.  Of course, some time on Pinterest would likely yield you more results in one tap than this will, because we've purchased materials over the last 5 years of having preschoolers (and buying educational items for birthdays, Christmas, and from relatives for those also!) so our cabinets are well stocked with educational supplies that were purchased.  Many of these things can be replicated from home to do the same function!

Here it is... what's inside... what the kids are working on!

What it looks like:

I won't even pretend that it looks that amazingly organized all the time.  But in general, I have drawers for 'flat' activities, I have bins galore that stay in their bins, and I have magazine organizers and small plastic document bins for other projects when I run out of drawers! :)

1. Workbooks, copy sheets, and dry erase pages...

Right now, Brianna is working on Spectrum 1st grade math and we're starting off with review of Kindergarten Hooked on Phonics, and her books are all in dry erase pages, then in a binder and dropped in one of the BIGGER drawers which will hold the binder at a bit of an angle.  She's also working on writing her name, which as you can see, my erasing is starting to take the permanent marker off with it! She's also working through a basic printing handwriting book, which I've set up for her to write in since it's easy enough to replace for $1. :)

Lynae is working through A Beka Kindergarten, so many of her drawers have numbers, letters, Bible, Science, Think and Learn, and printing practice from that curriculum.  I have her "monster page corners" on books so she can find where to start each day without flipping through the book for a long time.  These are just a folded strip of paper with eyes and teeth added that she and I made together.  They have helped her a lot with independence and she thinks it's great to have them!

2. Bible Verse activities:

The girls are both in AWANA at church, and this is our first experience with that.  Each week they have a phrase they are supposed to learn such as "S is for Savior" along with a scripture memory verse.  I took each of these and printed them on a sheet of paper, then also blew them up and cut them in strips so the girls are physically working on putting them in order, while we are working on learning the verses.  To keep me organized, the date of each memory verse is written in the corner of the page as well as on the back of each strip.

3. Fun activities for ALL the kids:

I put Snacks in one bin, the computers have 'tags' on them for time on there, the art easel also has a scheduled time, and so does the board book area.  We also try to get everyone outside (barefoot and all!) at some point in the day.  Sometimes these activities can hold a more structured 'value' (such as painting or making a specific project at the easel, or having an organized outdoor activity or educational computer game) but for right now I'm using those as reward time since I'm not that organized yet this year! :) 

4. The "preschool play time" that every kid needs:

There are times when we treat our children what their ages say they are, and there are times where their developmental levels are really more important.  Socially acceptable but developmentally appropriate is a hard thing to figure out.  Well, my kids from 2-almost 12 enjoy these same activities if they're working on a toddler/preschool developmental level, and social appropriateness goes out the window when we're working on 'skills' ... including HOW TO PLAY, which is an underdeveloped skill in many kids from orphanages, such as 3 of mine!

In the 'grouped' picture is a mailbox with letters and a package, Noah's ark and animals,  a cash register that names off numbers and has some sounds, a handful of Ninja Turtles, and a Fisher Price Farm.  The next picture is a Fisher Price doll house with all the farm animals arranged however Lynae saw fit this afternoon, and then a coin sorting cash register with coins that fit in SIDEWAYS (flat), which is a different skill than most coin tasks.

We throw in baby dolls and strollers, magna doodles, and other 'fun' items that hold little educational value other than teaching while they play, (some of these are pictured later).  Bead mazes are a favorite of a couple of my children, so we incorporate those too!

5. Manipulatives with a mission:

These items are fun but serve a purpose.  Puzzles are good matching and fine motor as well as spatial awareness.  Counting bears can be sorted by color, these have 3 sizes so can be sorted by size, and can be used as manipulatives for math problems as well.  Blocks are great for stacking, but also for lining up, for completing visual puzzles of "create this shape" (trace around a group of blocks to make a picture on a piece of paper that the child has to replicate).  These bean bags each have either a letter on them or are cut to a specific shape, and they can be used for teaching those specifics, for identifying colors, or for several gross motor tasks like throwing them to a target, standing on one leg or an uneven surface, etc, and bending and standing back up to pick them up.  The "pie" is filled with fruits which can be picked up with the included 'tongs', or can be sorted by color or by type (there are two type of fruits per color!). Lacing beads, colored blocks, and counting bears can all be used to replicate patterns shown on a piece of paper.  Lacing beads are also a great OT activity in general, both the large ones (pictured below) and small ones.  Smaller ones often have letters on them and can be used for spelling words or Bible verse memory as well.  Use your imagination... MANY things can be used as manipulatives that double for learning!  Snap beads (pictured later) for making jewelry are a great play-and-learn skill for OT!

6. Learning toys with specific purposes:

Seen above in the item with lots of baggies is a tin of muffins which are a shape sorter, the icing and bottom separate and each muffin has a different shape.  The shape is also in the bottom of the muffin tin, so it is a two-fold activity.  There is also a 'balance scale' and this is great for use with blocks, weights, beads, etc to figure out how many make it balance and understanding the concept of weight as a measurement versus size alone.  Also pictured above in the top bin over the blocks is a bin of cans, which each contain a different number of a fruit or vegetable.  It replicates 'canned' foods, but is used for sorting, counting, and learning what each item is.  Lastly, pictured above with the puzzles is a set of 'crayon shaped' containers which contain a variety of items that are all different sizes and are all different shades of the color that crayon is representing.  This teaches color recognition, but also teaches diversity within the shades of the color spectrum. 

Now for some other things... Another 'cans' game, because Brianna LOVES the sorting cans above, this one has the entire alphabet and includes heavy cardboard cutouts of items starting with that letter.  On the back of the cards are the word (which helps me cheat!).   Also below are flash cards galore, which we use sparingly, but mostly to test knowledge rather than to teach.  Vocabulary photo cards are a little different, though, and we do use those to teach and build up a vocabulary with things that establishes words some of our kids haven't heard, especially those who missed out on the first 5-8 years of learning time.   In the bins below, the top is manipulatives and fine motor task items, but the bottom are puzzle cards for spelling words, doing math problems, etc.  The child puts the puzzle together to solve the 'things that go together' or to write a word (each letter of a 3-5 letter word is a puzzle piece. 

7. Artsy, Craftsy, easy stuff:

I may take a peek on Pinterest every 4 months or so, but I'm seriously not a Pinterest follower.  So, our arts and crafts go along with our projects, and we do a lot of crayons, color wonder markers, stencils, and, the bin in the photo below with plastic baggies in it?  Those are a bunch of pre-made Oriental Trading activities to do with the letters of the alphabet (and around them is the rest of the Hooked on Phonics curriculum).  We also have the art easel for drawing/tracing and coloring, and I have great plans of getting the kids painting (we picked up paint brushes and no spill containers for a certain boy's 8th birthday coming up...!)  

8. The digital age:

We have a Plex server set up at our house which runs off of one of the kids' computers.  It has a category called 'educational videos'.  It is the warehouse for all of our DVD's so that they don't have to be ruined by tiny fingers... but more specifically, it has the entire collection of Magic School Bus shows, Signing Time series 1 and 2, and many Leap Frog and other such videos which teach through video.  We've found some for math, reading, and even teaching about the weather.

We also have 2 iPads which the kids can use (with major military grade cases on them!) and through the Guided Access function, we can lock the iPads in to an activity and they cannot unlock it.  There are several apps like "Special words" created for children with special needs, or ABCMouse.com (called Learning Academy on the iPad, I believe), which are great for the kids to 'lock in on' and enjoy some digital time without the 'easy access' of the computer which, at any time, may just HAPPEN to click over to MineCraft rather than my chosen activity for them!

Michael took some old cassette tapes with stories on them and made them into MP3's which the kids can access along with the digital versions of the books right on the ipad.  Don't ask me how he did it... he just did. I believe they are in the educational section of the Plex server as well!

There's also Starfall.com and PBSKids.com which provide FREE educational games and activities which are a nice down time activity or something you can really look in to and schedule in to match up with whatever you're teaching.  It's great for seasonal learning, too. :)

More and more...:

Of course there's more we do and specific different activities we have done or will do again in the future, tongs and ice cube trays and erasers and gooey lizards fill some of those bins, but to be specific would take way more time than I have right now, so... there's the basics of what we work with! :)  What do you use to create environments for learning with your kids?